STONE SOUP: Humor

Coping with Excess Knowledge and Wisdom

Sun, 24 Feb 2008 21:46:38 GMT

Dear Dr. Ursa,

My ex says that I am a pain because I always think I'm right. He says our children agree with him on this.

Fact is, I usually am right. Why can't they accept that?

Baffled in Bangor

Dear Baffled,

Let's get one thing straight. Nobody is right all the time except God and Dr. Ursa.

You have accumulated a lot of knowledge and wisdom in your life, and now you want to share it. That's OK. But don't share it with members of your immediate family. They already have as much of you as they can handle. If they want more, they'll ask.

Get a 900 number, or a sign that says LIFE STYLE CONSULTANT, or a column spot in a desperate publication. If all else fails, start a blog. Pass on what you have learned to people who are actually interested. If they choose to ignore you and find out for themselves that it's a long way across the ocean, that's their problem.

Never give your best advice to your children. Save that for yourself. Give your children your second-best advice. That way they will have the fun of upgrading it. That's what they really want from you -- the feeling that they have made it to the next step up the evolutionary ladder.

If you want them to think that you are incredibly clever, learn and practise the art of active listening. You might even learn something.

HAPPY ST. VALENTINE'S DAY!

Thu, 14 Feb 2008 14:29:24 GMT

Usually, I greet this day with reflections about love. This time, my Inner Silly Person came out on top, and I wrote this article for Helium. Enjoy!

http://www.helium.com/tm/860089/hints-making-valentines-dayfor

Humor Therapy

Tue, 18 Dec 2007 22:56:39 GMT

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

4.. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.

5.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

6.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

7.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

8..Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

9.. Procrastinate now!

10.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

11.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

12..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

13..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

14..Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

15.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

16.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

17.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

Sun, 16 Dec 2007 05:01:27 GMT

Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air.

Pentecostal: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.

Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.

Anglicans/Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including: incandescent, fluorescent three way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.

Amish: What's a light bulb?

Should I have a baby after 35?

Tue, 11 Dec 2007 02:50:14 GMT

PREGNANCY Q & A & more!

Everything you didn't want to know about pregnancy and childbirth, courtesy of Moe of Saskatchewan, annotated by comments from Dr. Ursa.

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough. Dr. Ursa: You can have more if the older siblings are willing to continue to live at home, contribute to the family finances, and baby-sit on demand.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college. Dr. Ursa: When you stop cooking with cheese!

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.    Dr. Ursa: Examine the plumbing. If it looks like Dad's, it's a boy.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?    Dr. Ursa: This will persist for at least 20 years. Get into therapy now, or get a job that keeps you away from home a lot.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, but
pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. Dr. Ursa: The correct word is discomfort, as in, "If I don't get some relief from my discomfort, I will make make your life hell."

Q: When is the best time to get an epidermal?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant. Dr. Ursa: Actually, any time is nice if you have back pain.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in
labour?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.   Dr. Ursa: If you're not there, she may bond with a handsome intern, and where would that leave you?

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.    Dr. Ursa: Child care. Don't let other people get the idea that you can handle this all by yourself.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.   Dr. Ursa: Better still, get someone else to chage it while you open the presents.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act
normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.   Dr. Ursa: Maybe never. The trauma of motherhood is irreversible. But don't worry about it. You will have your own parental crises to deal with.